For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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