You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize