What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We had to coat check the pizza.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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