Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize