all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
