Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize