I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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