Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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