So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
