I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
