There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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