I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
