I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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