I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize