And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
even my farts smell like vagina
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
