Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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