Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
