proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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