i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
