a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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