I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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