my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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