ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Never underestimate the power of titties
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
