i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
