The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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