I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
