last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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