I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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