ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
