Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
