My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
