I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Text me some of your sweat
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
