so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
