You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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