You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
