I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize