I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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