i think i have two assholes
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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