Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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