what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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