Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
