Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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