i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
