Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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