I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
