I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
