Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
either way he was missing a nipple.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
