people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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