Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
