what if every blade of grass was a penis?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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