the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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