so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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