she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
So vagazzling was a success
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
