Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
