Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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