I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
