They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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