pop tarts are not kleenex
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize